But I had a sudden sense that they hadn't operated on me. Feminineintuition? Yeah, sure.I began to realize as I lay there unable to move much that won...ering whatI looked like wasn't a feminine reaction - it was a human reaction. As aguy, I wasn't bad looking. I had my share of girls, and I had lost myvirginity when I was fifteen. I guess I just wanted to know if I wasn'tbad looking as a girl. I pitied homely girls. The world wasn't exactlykind to them.After what seemed like an eternity, I began. Curiosity roused his energy, and heopened Sarah's file. What he read there turned his blood to ice. He turnedand retched into the wastepaper basket next to the desk. With fingerstrembling with fear, he hit print, and the file started spooling out ofthe printer across the office. Quickly, and with growing fear, he lookedat his mother's file. It was much the same, and he printed it too. Samneeded to see this. They had to talk about this.Before he left, he quickly pulled up the security control. It makes the body react hard in order to throw off the poisons and it alters the body's chemistry.Doctor Jamison has helped me figure out I was drinking hard so I could make myself numb and not have to deal with the things I was feeling. It didn't work. It only made me more vulnerable to Brian. It made it easy for him to get me to sleep with him even though I really didn't like him. I knew he was one of those men who think every woman is a "score," and who feel nothing for the woman as a human. I began to understand that Suzy wanted to do ... something ... but didn't want to volunteer to do ... anything. She wanted to be convinced, or something like that, to do these new things. I've met women since then who were like that. They felt better about themselves morally if they didn't volunteer, but were ... convinced instead. I didn't quite grasp that concept back then, with Suzy, but some instinct told me to keep going until she said "stop" again. Maybe it was her insistence that she.
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